21. September 2011 01:44
On Sunday we sang: “forever I am changed by your love” repeatedly, almost until it sank in (we were singing about God). And it struck me that that is what happens when you get drawn into a relationship with somebody – they affect you. Whatever is going on in them, be it good or bad, starts to demand a change in you. And it is not always comfortable, indeed it is not always good, but it is inevitable.
Last week my mother presented me and Emily with a crystal bowl (not ball). And it’s not just any crystal bowl – it has meaning. It represents 15 years of tangling, 15 years of two people increasingly wrapping themselves up in each other to the point where, whilst we are still individuals, we are no longer independent. It’s quite scary really – risking being hurt, risking being changed, risking freedom – all in the hands of another imperfect human being! I’d like to say I am proud of achieving 15 years of marriage, but really I am wrecked by it, changed, affected – I might be able to say I am proud if I had had stayed the same whilst taming a wild animal to meet my demands – but I can’t. In truth I have been changed and it is humbling and wonderful all at the same time.
Emily and I have been wound into each other’s identities. We have both changed, it has not always been comfortable, but we have embraced it and it has born real and remarkable fruit, in our lives, in our community and not least in the form of our three children.
As we are drawn into God we find that we are increasingly required to change. Not because he tells us we have to, but because of who he is. Fortunately, unlike people, God doesn’t have psychological and emotional problems. Drawing into a closer relationship with him means being drawn into love – after all that is who he is (1 John 4). It’s not always comfortable because it doesn’t always come naturally to us – for example I have never found it natural to respond to somebody abusing me with the words “forgive them for they don’t realise what they are doing”. But nevertheless that’s where we are headed – that’s where being tangled up in God takes us.
Emily and I didn’t get married so we could get a crystal bowl after 15 years, but it is amazing to look at it and reflect on how much change and shaping it represents.
When I look at my heart and reflect on Paul’s words: “you are a letter from Christ.. written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” (2 Cor 3:3) I find it absolutely mind-blowingly wonderful and awfully worrying at the same time.
Will it be painful?
Yes!
Will it be worth it?
…………!