Tourist (Tourist) enters SL with map, turning it upside down this way and that.
T enters SR.
T: Oh hello, are you lost?
Tourist: I do believe I am.
T: Where do you want to get?
Tourist: Well I’ve been all over the world. I’ve trekked in the Himalayas. I’ve sailed down the
T: (Cuts in, to audience) Always a good bargain there.
Tourist: No I mean the Amazon River. I’ve seen the Taj Mahal, the Grand Canyon and even
been to Lewisham.
Both: Ahhh, Lewisham!
Tourist: But I’ve never been to Edgware. It’s my deepest longing to get to Edgware on the
T: (Pause) Well that’s easy. (Points) That’s Kennington Station over there, so it’s one
line all the way up on the Northern Line. No changes, simple.
J enters SL and stands to other side of Tourist.
J: Hang on a minute! To get to Edgware on the Northern Line you have to go via
T: Is that a problem? I mean other than it’s (Agitated and to audience) north of the
river and everyone’s ‘Hampstead Heath is so wonderful! Hampstead is so lovely,
blah, blah, blah.’ What’s wrong with south of the river I say? I mean is there is any
problem going via Hampstead than that?
J: Well it’s deep isn’t it? It’s the deepest underground station in London.
Tourist: Deep? I didn’t realise I would have to go deep to get to Edgware.
T: Hang on a minute. You’ve sailed down the Amazon….
J: (Cuts in to audience) Good bargains there.
T: …..Amazon River…. You sailed down it in a canoe.
Tourist: But deep underground? That’s scary.
J: And what if you get stuck at Hampstead Underground. Do you know how deep
that shaft is?
T: (Sarcastic) You’re going to tell us right?
J: 58.5 meters. That’s 192 ft. Shocking!
T: (To Person 2) Thanks for that. (To Tourist) But you want to go to Edgware right?
That’s your goal?
Tourist: Yes (tentatively). Yes it is! (definite)
J: You’ve got to ask yourself, is it worth it? I mean what if the lift gives out. Then
you’ve got to climb the emergency staircase. 320 steps. That’s a lot of steps.
T: But if you really want to get to Edgware don’t you think it’s worth taking the risk
and making the effort.
Tourist: I don’t know.
J: You don’t have to go deep if you don’t want to. If I were you, instead of going via
Hampstead, (Gets out phone) I’d go three stops on the Northern to London Bridge
and change on to the Jubilee line.
T: What does she want to do that for?
J: On the Jubilee and go to Canary Wharf.
T: But that’s in the wrong direction.
J: There’s a fantastic Dim Sum restaurant at Canary Wharf.
Tourist: But I want to go to Edgware.
T: Yes, she wants to go to Edgware.
Joffe: But why go to Edgware when you can go to so many other places? Look I’ll tell
you what, why don’t you stop off at North Greenwich; take the cable car across
Enter L SR from back and pushes T out of the way to stand next to Tourist.
L: You don’t want to do that! (Gets out Ipad) Edgware is it? What you want to do is
go one stop on the Northern Line to Elephant and change to the Bakerloo line.
T: That’ more like it.
L: Six stops and you’re at Oxford Circus.
T: But she wants to go to Edgware. (Pause) Don’t you?
Tourist: I think so.
T: No you don’t. You want to go to Oxford Circus for the shops.
Tourist: (Thinking) Shops sound nice.
T: But you said…
L: Shops, shops and more shops. I mean why go all that way? Oxford Circus in much
K enters SL and pushes J out the way to stand next to Tourist
K: No, no, no, you don’t want to do that. (Gets out laptop) What you want to do is
get on the Northern Line
T: That’s what I’ve been saying.
K: Then you want to get off at Embankment.
K: On to the District and Circle…You see that’s a nice shallow line. None of that
going deep stuff.
T: Well it’s a long way round, but I suppose you can get off and Kings Cross and…
K: And stop off at Sloane Square.
T: (Exasperated) But the Northern Line is straight through!
K: All that way on that deep old line? I don’t think so. See if you get off at Sloane
Square you can make a quick detour to the Saatchi Gallery and stop for lunch at
Peter Jones. Perfect. Then if you fancy you can just go round and round all day.
T: But never getting to your destination. Look the best way to get there is on the
Northern Line. Yes, it’s deep and dark and to be honest not the best underground
line, but faffing around in Sloane Square or Canary Wharf won’t get you there. Do
you want to go Edgware or not?
Tourist: (Thinking) You know Sloane Square sounds quite nice.
Tourist, J, K and L leave SL talking about how nice Sloane Square is. T is left on the stage looking puzzled. 2nd Tourist enters from back struggling with a map. Pauses, sees T.
Tourist 2: Excuse me, would you mind telling me how I get to Edgware on the
T: Get a taxi!
T storms off leaving the second tourist bemused.
(Written by Tracy and the youth and read by the youth at the Bear Church)